An Open Letter to our Dogs

 

Dear Bowser, Pepe’, Bella, Daisy and Ralph,

 

Because we are 4 humans and 5 dogs living in the same home, we thought it would be helpful to share some basic guidelines in regards to behavioral issues which we feel necessary to bring to your attention.

 

To start with, when we say to move, it means to go someplace else; it does not mean to switch places with each other, so that there are still 5 dogs sitting in front of the refrigerator in a different order. It does not mean that you may now rotate your current position so that now three of you are parked on my feet and two of you are directly behind me preventing me from moving in any direction without me falling flat on my face.

 

The bowls with the cute little designer doggy prints on them are yours. The china with the flowers on them are mine, they contain my food. I do not eat from yours I thank you for not to eating from mine. The toilet bowl is not your water bowl; remember yours have the cute little designer doggy prints, the ones you just had to have. Please note; that placing your paw, nose or tongue on my plate does not give you a claim to my food, it does however make me crazy.

 

Regarding sleeping arrangements; there are currently no options other than a king size bed. I should not have to be apologetic about this. Do not think that because Dad and I have been married over twenty years that this is long enough to sleep together and it is now your turn. I have witnessed other dogs on beds and they actually curl up into a ball without   feather pillows to support their heads. They do not lay perpendicular to one another. They do not elongate their bodies to the fullest capacity and extend their tails the length of the bed. They do not have need of a feather pillow, 600 thread count designer sheets and the latest Pottery Barn quilt; I have even seen some sleep in their own doggy beds which I have noticed you have not touched since they arrived home from the store. One more thing, when my head is on the pillow this is not a queue for you to put your behind on my head to persuade me to move. This is another reminder that when I say move it means to move your body to another place away from the location it is currently in, try that cute doggy bed in the corner.

 

So are you guys following me? Great, now lets move on to another instructive suggestion.   The reason we have a fence is to keep you inside. The gate is for exiting when necessary, like while you are on a leash. We the two legged family members may come and go at any time without permission from you. We have a job and other outside responsibilities, you do not, and therefore we must leave for that from time to time. The gate is never to be used by four legged family members (you)   unless the two legged family members (us) are escorting the four legged family members (you again) on a leash.

You are required to stay inside and not roam around and amuse yourself in the ponds or roll around in other animal’s feces. This is thoroughly unacceptable and not very aesthetically pleasing either.

 

 

Just one more thing about the yard, contrary to popular belief it is not an archaeological dig site. There are neither treasures nor ancient bones buried there, so your excavation attempts are not necessary.  The only bones you need are in the kitchen under the counter, next to that big white thing you sit in front of. I know that it is not only bones you are looking for but a bit of adventure. Well let me assure you no matter how far you dig you will not make it to China.   I am however curious about what you do with the dirt?  You must be keeping it somewhere, and I would really like to know where so I can perhaps have something to fill the hole in with.

 

The DVD’s are not individual Frisbees. They are Dad’s hard work and personal hobby. I have heard him say if he loses one more DVD to those dogs there will be less dogs in this house, just a word of warning. There has been some talk of a permanent doggy home in the barn. This is the bare, hard, cold building without air conditioning and heat and no king size bed just past the gate. You know the one you all pass as you scale the fence to go for a swim in the filthy pond water. Yes, that barn!

 

Moving on, Dad and Danny are not squeaky toys, so when you bound on them and strike them full force on their private parts and they make that noise, it is not a good thing. When they follow this up by rolling around on the floor in a fetal position this is not their invitation to play “roll on the floor with me” game. This usually means they need some quiet time …away from you.

 

While we are on the subject of toys, underwear is not a toy! You may not play tug of war, fetch or catch with it. Anna also knows where the barn is and I think she means it.

 

Let’s talk about when we have been away a bit and are returning home. When we come in the door we do not need aid in locating our way to the kitchen, we have lived here over 18 years we know the way. It is not necessary to grab our hand, pant, leg, arm and/or our bags to yank us into the kitchen. You do not need to leap up to our face to welcome us. We are happy to see you and we will place the bags down and come to greet you as soon as we can. Please also note that we do not forget you in the short amount of time it takes to retrieve more groceries.

 

You may have noticed that we don’t seem to have as much company here as we once did. Let me share with you a few do’s and don’ts regarding company. In the four legged world it is completely acceptable to stick your nose into company’s crotch and butt area. Not so much in the two legged world. As a matter of fact I think it is might possibly be illegal in some states. Well guys I think you might have noticed the majority of company we have are the two legged version. We would therefore prefer that should we ever have company again, please restrain yourself from the crotch and butt area.

We would also appreciate if prior to you immediately sprawling out on the entire couch, you would please offer it to our guest first. If our guest decides to sit on the couch (and most will), we would ask that you  please refrain from plopping down directly in front of them and start licking and expelling deadly methane clouds just to get the couch back. This is simple unacceptable.

 

Finally, the proper way to greet us is to kiss us, then lick your butt or each others butts. I can not stress the importance of this sequence enough. It would be such a small thing, however important thing, to do for your family.

 

Your loving family (pets),